I Am (Almost) An Olympian

I don’t really like sports. They bore me and I feel bad for athletes who have to appear on camera post-game without going through hair and makeup. Nonetheless, I have a soft spot in my heart for the Olympics and I always look forward to tuning in every two years and pretending to understand what is going on. I would love to attend the games if they are ever held in Monte Carlo or St. Lucia.

Although I do fancy myself an athlete, I do not think that I would excel at any traditional Olympic events and, as such, have decided to propose a list of new events that would surely land me the gold:

  • Aggressive driving – expect lots of honking, middle-finger flipping and windshield fluid spraying. Sochi would be a great venue for this.
  • champagneChampagne drinking – this is the more refined version of Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
  • Tanning  – extra points for not developing tan lines
  • Touching all of the garlic knots at Wegman’s to find the softest, freshest one – clearly you cannot expect me to eat hard bread
  • Spotting clearance shoppers from a mile away – basically like duck hunting minus the guns (bonus points for guessing who says “Nordstrom’s” instead of “Nordstrom”)
  • workout-selfiePost-workout selfies – because it doesn’t matter that you worked out if everybody else doesn’t know
  • Nonchalantly power walking – no, not as a workout. The harder you walk, the more important you look. Caveat: you can’t look like you are trying so absolutely no sweating or heavy breathing…that is gross.
  • Excessive emoji usage – emojis are the only letters that really matter anymore. No Androids allowed.

You get the first interview after my gold medal ceremony, Anderson Cooper, just make sure to get a good closeup of my Givenchy medal.