On “Investigative Journalism”

Nobody ever owns up to this — but I’m not afraid to say it: I am a fantastic stalker. If you play any significant role in my life, chances are I know more about you than you think I do. I feel no shame in my ruthless quest for knowledge and take pride in my ability to perform what I call investigative journalism: finding out everything that there is to know about somebody. My investigative skills are especially helpful when I find myself falling in love with somebody who I barely know. (Please note: this happens frequently.)

Although it may sound crazy, I can assure you that my investigative journalism has real-world applications. With this knowledge under my belt, I am a much better partner and a more satisfying lover. Because I am a giver, I am going to share some of my favorite websites for performing said investigative journalism and how they can help YOU with your romantic conquests:

  • Maryland Judiciary Case Search – Duh, this is a no-brainer. I think it’s fair to want a heads up if I’m trying to get with a serial killer.
  • beenverified.com – My good friend Melissa introduced me to this gold mine of information. Thanks to BeenVerified, I now know about all of the aircraft that you own, your last known whereabouts and your notable business associates. This information will likely be useful if it turns out that I am dealing with the mafia.
  • Facebook – Most people have absolutely no handle on their privacy settings on Facebook. Whenever I have a crush on somebody who I am too anxious to actually send a friend request, I can still usually see every single thing that they do because they splash their life carelessly all over Facebook. When you love somebody, it is helpful to Like every single thing that they post; this way, they constantly see your name pop up in notifications and, subsequently, you are on their mind frequently. This is known as the “Law of Attraction”.
  • instagramInstagram – There is absolutely nothing wrong with Instagramming all of your meals and geotagging them. Once you know what your crush eats for dinner, it will become easier to order them meals and drinks at the restaurant where you coincidentally show up and find them dining.
  • WhitePages – The always-reliable WhitePages is usually pretty good with having current home addresses. Once you are in a committed relationship (phantom relationships in your head qualify), it is great to show up unannounced at your lover’s home. If they aren’t home, just sit outside until they return — they will appreciate the time and effort that you put into seeing them and likely invite you inside for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres.
  • Myspace – This is more of a litmus test than anything…If you are still using Myspace, there is a good chance that you still carry a flip phone that doesn’t have iMessage. I can’t handle the green bubbles in my Messages app. Sorry.

Just remember: nothing is wrong if you do it in the name of love.

You’re welcome.

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