Disappointment Kitchen 2: Vegan Basketti & Puttanesca

After a painfully long, six-month hiatus, the long-awaited second episode of Disappointment Kitchen has arrived. Join me as I prepare a delicious meal of whole wheat pasta, vegan “meatballs” and puttanesca sauce.

Promotional consideration not provided by The Purple Carrot…yet.

Some Things That I Would Like To “Misremember”

pizzaThe entire country is in a state of shock in the wake of Brian William’s admission that he “misremembered” the fact that he wasn’t on a helicopter that was shot down over Iraq in 2003. In Brian’s defense, I also “misremembered” how much pizza I ate to celebrate #NationalPizzaDay last night until I woke up this morning with an empty Domino’s box on the floor next to my bed. It happens to the best of us, Brian. Here are a few pop culture moments & artifacts that I would like to “misremember”:

  • Season 3 of Glee. You lost us all, Ryan Murphy.
  • Scientology.
  • Jay-Z and Beyonce’s divorce scare last summer: I couldn’t care less about their relationship; I’m more ashamed to admit that I fell for it hook, line and sinker (although I still loved every minute of it!).
  • Hello Kitty not actually being a cat: Is Pikachu also a dolphin? Is Mickey Mouse a wolf?
  • That time I lost the race for freshmen class president: I had the best campaign posters…not too sure what happened here.
  • Kanye West.
  • The elusive #3 pencil: I’m so #grateful that I will never have to bubble another Scantron test while worrying that my writing implement isn’t a #2 pencil.
  • The rise of Bluetooth earpieces: I still get tricked into thinking that strangers are clamoring to chat with me in public when, in reality, they’re gabbing into their phones. Extrovert problems…
  • That one time in high school when I was 40lbs overweight and bought the wrong shade of stage makeup for the play I was in (see photo): I was chubby and orange two years before Snooki made it cool! fob
  • Microsoft Zune: the iPod’s short-lived rival was the musical equivalent of buying a Coach purse instead of a Louis Vuitton bag.
  • Kanye West.
  • Speaking of iPods, iPod Condoms Socks.
  • My credit card debt: What? I don’t have any debt!
  • Lady Gaga’s meat dress at the 2010 VMA’s: All I could think about when I saw this get-up was the stench of raw meat overwhelming my cologne. NOT HAVING IT.
  • Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and ALS Ice Bucket Challenge: Some things just shouldn’t have gone viral.
  • Kanye West.
  • Every picture of me on Facebook prior to 2012.
  • Britney Spears circa 2007/2008: WE STILL LOVE YOU, BABYGIRL!

What are you trying to “misremember”? Let me know on Twitter and Instagram and hit the “Like” button below!

I Did a Tough Mudder with Tear Gas (And It Was Awful)

The fitness community is abuzz this week after news broke that Tough Mudder races in 2015 will feature a new obstacle: a tent full of tear gas. As if swimming through mud and getting electrocuted wasn’t fun enough, competitors can now feel like they’re “having Sriracha poured into every one of [their] tiny cuts and abrasions”. Dafuq?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really into fitness; I run until my joints are about to collapse, sometimes I lift weights, I once did BodyPump and I go to yoga if my friend Jessie is teaching a free class*.  I also firmly believe that nothing is worth doing if you can’t Instagram yourself doing it. Since I tend to look like death after I work out (no mud or tear gas required), I’ve had to work hard to perfect the art of the post-workout social media humblebrag. You’re more likely to see a shot of my killer legs after a run than a picture of me cheesing to the camera and smiling like I feel great after running 8 miles.

5 miles of sprints and hurdles…these legs are on fire! 🏃🔥 #thesweatlife #running #fitness

A post shared by Danny Clemens (@danny.clemens) on

I just don’t understand the appeal of expending significant amounts of time and money to train for a race where you are supposed to enjoy getting tortured. Sure, there’s free booze at the end, but aren’t there easier ways to get your buzz on?!

Just for kicks, I decided to broaden my horizons try to understand why people enjoy these races. I licked a battery, rolled in the mud and walked past a public restroom (that’s the closest I’ll go to tear gas) and then ran a mile to simulate a Tough Mudder on a smaller scale. Here’s how it ended: Continue reading “I Did a Tough Mudder with Tear Gas (And It Was Awful)”