Nobody ever owns up to this — but I’m not afraid to say it: I am a fantastic stalker. If you play any significant role in my life, chances are I know more about you than you think I do. I feel no shame in my ruthless quest for knowledge and take pride in my ability to perform what I call investigative journalism: finding out everything that there is to know about somebody. My investigative skills are especially helpful when I find myself falling in love with somebody who I barely know. (Please note: this happens frequently.)
Although it may sound crazy, I can assure you that my investigative journalism has real-world applications. With this knowledge under my belt, I am a much better partner and a more satisfying lover. Because I am a giver, I am going to share some of my favorite websites for performing said investigative journalism and how they can help YOU with your romantic conquests:
- Maryland Judiciary Case Search – Duh, this is a no-brainer. I think it’s fair to want a heads up if I’m trying to get with a serial killer.
- beenverified.com – My good friend Melissa introduced me to this gold mine of information. Thanks to BeenVerified, I now know about all of the aircraft that you own, your last known whereabouts and your notable business associates. This information will likely be useful if it turns out that I am dealing with the mafia.
- Facebook – Most people have absolutely no handle on their privacy settings on Facebook. Whenever I have a crush on somebody who I am too anxious to actually send a friend request, I can still usually see every single thing that they do because they splash their life carelessly all over Facebook. When you love somebody, it is helpful to Like every single thing that they post; this way, they constantly see your name pop up in notifications and, subsequently, you are on their mind frequently. This is known as the “Law of Attraction”.
- Instagram – There is absolutely nothing wrong with Instagramming all of your meals and geotagging them. Once you know what your crush eats for dinner, it will become easier to order them meals and drinks at the restaurant where you coincidentally show up and find them dining.
- WhitePages – The always-reliable WhitePages is usually pretty good with having current home addresses. Once you are in a committed relationship (phantom relationships in your head qualify), it is great to show up unannounced at your lover’s home. If they aren’t home, just sit outside until they return — they will appreciate the time and effort that you put into seeing them and likely invite you inside for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres.
- Myspace – This is more of a litmus test than anything…If you are still using Myspace, there is a good chance that you still carry a flip phone that doesn’t have iMessage. I can’t handle the green bubbles in my Messages app. Sorry.
Just remember: nothing is wrong if you do it in the name of love.
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File this under “Things We Already Knew”: nobody cares about how you and your significant other will celebrate Valentine’s Day. A new study by BeNaughty.com finds that social media users would prefer not to be subjected to public fawning over your loved one this Friday.
Side note: How do I not already have a BeNaughty profile?
Couple’s selfies, corny status updates and other flagrant displays of affection irritate the hell out of the majority of us on Team Single. Instead of paying any attention to our coupled friends, over half of us Singletons will be using social media to find somebody to bring us a box of chocolate and be gone in the morning.
No, we are not bitter and insecure that we are single on Valentine’s Day. We just really don’t care. People who are perpetually in relationships seem to be under the mistaken impression that all single people mope around and complain on Valentine’s Day when, in reality, it passes just like any other day. Single people on Valentine’s Day are like Jews on Christmas. We eat the Christmas cookies and open all of your Christmas cards but otherwise we spend the day watching movies and making fun of your ugly Christmas sweaters.
I also fail to understand the idea of “Singles Awareness Day”. This is actually every day of the year that we are allowed to go out, flirt and have drinks bought for us while our less fortunate friends are stuck at home with their ball and chain (or, even worse, their children).
As for me? I will likely Instagram an unflattering photograph of myself pouring a bag of candy hearts down my face not because I am sad and depressed but because I love any excuse to eat candy and not feel bad about it.
I have always been the epitome of the Type A personality; ruthless, driven and competitive. I spent the first eighteen years of my life knowing exactly where I was going and how I was going to get there. Although my goals and life plan were dynamic and constantly changing, I always had a life plan and felt a strong sense of urgency and direction.
In elementary school I had grand ambitions of being a teacher, then I was preparing for an exciting career in broadcast journalism (after spending an entire summer watching CNN in middle school), and after that I had big dreams of taking the world by storm as an actor. When I realized that making a living as an actor was an impracticality for me, I decided to pursue technical theatre until realizing that it was not my calling at the tender age of eighteen. I gave notice that I would be leaving the theatre completely after my production closed and, suddenly, I found myself with no life plan. Nothing was definite and I had no idea how I fit in to the world. I decided to take things day by day and let the pieces of my life fall together on their own.
Over the past year, I’ve been presented with so many fantastic opportunities that have developed into a variety of life changes. I never could have guessed a year ago that I would be doing what I’m doing today; things are coming together on their own and I am perfectly content to let them do so. The most important lesson that I have learned is that you can’t rush life: things will happen when they happen and the best thing that you can do is be prepared for anything and be ready to go with the flow.
Have I been able to accomplish every goal that I’ve ever set for myself? Not by a long shot. I have, however, been able to discern what battles are worth fighting and how best to continue to grow and develop myself as an individual and as a professional. I don’t think that I could ask for anything better!