I Can’t Wait to Get Divorced

My ultimate relationship goal is to play a role that nobody seems to want to play: that of the Liberated Divorcé. Once my failed marriage has amicably ended in dissolution (aided by the pre-nup upon which  I will certainly insist), I will at long last be free to be openly disinterested in love and to do whatever I want with absolutely no strings attached. Perhaps after I go through the motions of marriage will people be more willing to accept my blasé attitude toward love.

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Sadly, I am not quite to that point in my life.

I am on every dating site known to mankind. From the more traditional Match.com to the frivolous okCupid, I have been around the block time and time again to no avail. I have no problem connecting with people; conversation is one of my strong suits. I would even go so far as to say that I love interacting with people – I just cannot find anybody who I find interesting on a  romantic level.

In the interest of full transparency: I am all for casual relationships.  I love meeting new people, going out and having a good time; commitment is where I find myself struggling. I can’t even decide what to wear most days without changing my outfit 17 times so don’t hold your breath for me to make any long term commitments in the foreseeable future.

My dreadful dating skills are compounded by my dislike for people who take themselves too seriously.  If we are just meeting for the first time, especially online, I do not care to know about your PhD,  yacht or dual citizenship (and, yes, these are all things that people have tried to use to impress me). I sincerely hope that people don’t take everything that I say seriously and, as such, there is literally nothing that turns me off more than having to hear about how serious you think you are.

Double standard: I have a career that is Glamorous! and Exciting! so I reserve the right to brag and gloat as much as I see fit.

Despite my indifference to finding “the one”, I nonetheless feel pressure to at least pretend to be looking for love. Everybody else is getting engaged, having babies and buying a home together while I’m sitting in my pajamas at 2pm eating cookies on the couch.

For now, I will continue to dink around on OkCupid. I’ll halfheartedly answer all of my Tinder messages and keep casting my rod into Plenty of Fish (get it? pun intended). Just don’t get your hopes up that you’re going to catch me with a ring on my finger anytime soon.

My mother has said for years that she doesn’t think I will ever get married. Instead, she foresees me impregnating a 20-something when I am in my 40’s and then getting stuck with a gold digger and a bastard child.

Thanks, mom!

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On “Investigative Journalism”

Nobody ever owns up to this — but I’m not afraid to say it: I am a fantastic stalker. If you play any significant role in my life, chances are I know more about you than you think I do. I feel no shame in my ruthless quest for knowledge and take pride in my ability to perform what I call investigative journalism: finding out everything that there is to know about somebody. My investigative skills are especially helpful when I find myself falling in love with somebody who I barely know. (Please note: this happens frequently.)

Although it may sound crazy, I can assure you that my investigative journalism has real-world applications. With this knowledge under my belt, I am a much better partner and a more satisfying lover. Because I am a giver, I am going to share some of my favorite websites for performing said investigative journalism and how they can help YOU with your romantic conquests:

  • Maryland Judiciary Case Search – Duh, this is a no-brainer. I think it’s fair to want a heads up if I’m trying to get with a serial killer.
  • beenverified.com – My good friend Melissa introduced me to this gold mine of information. Thanks to BeenVerified, I now know about all of the aircraft that you own, your last known whereabouts and your notable business associates. This information will likely be useful if it turns out that I am dealing with the mafia.
  • Facebook – Most people have absolutely no handle on their privacy settings on Facebook. Whenever I have a crush on somebody who I am too anxious to actually send a friend request, I can still usually see every single thing that they do because they splash their life carelessly all over Facebook. When you love somebody, it is helpful to Like every single thing that they post; this way, they constantly see your name pop up in notifications and, subsequently, you are on their mind frequently. This is known as the “Law of Attraction”.
  • instagramInstagram – There is absolutely nothing wrong with Instagramming all of your meals and geotagging them. Once you know what your crush eats for dinner, it will become easier to order them meals and drinks at the restaurant where you coincidentally show up and find them dining.
  • WhitePages – The always-reliable WhitePages is usually pretty good with having current home addresses. Once you are in a committed relationship (phantom relationships in your head qualify), it is great to show up unannounced at your lover’s home. If they aren’t home, just sit outside until they return — they will appreciate the time and effort that you put into seeing them and likely invite you inside for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres.
  • Myspace – This is more of a litmus test than anything…If you are still using Myspace, there is a good chance that you still carry a flip phone that doesn’t have iMessage. I can’t handle the green bubbles in my Messages app. Sorry.

Just remember: nothing is wrong if you do it in the name of love.

You’re welcome.

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