I Can’t Wait to Get Divorced

My ultimate relationship goal is to play a role that nobody seems to want to play: that of the Liberated Divorcé. Once my failed marriage has amicably ended in dissolution (aided by the pre-nup upon which  I will certainly insist), I will at long last be free to be openly disinterested in love and to do whatever I want with absolutely no strings attached. Perhaps after I go through the motions of marriage will people be more willing to accept my blasé attitude toward love.

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Sadly, I am not quite to that point in my life.

I am on every dating site known to mankind. From the more traditional Match.com to the frivolous okCupid, I have been around the block time and time again to no avail. I have no problem connecting with people; conversation is one of my strong suits. I would even go so far as to say that I love interacting with people – I just cannot find anybody who I find interesting on a  romantic level.

In the interest of full transparency: I am all for casual relationships.  I love meeting new people, going out and having a good time; commitment is where I find myself struggling. I can’t even decide what to wear most days without changing my outfit 17 times so don’t hold your breath for me to make any long term commitments in the foreseeable future.

My dreadful dating skills are compounded by my dislike for people who take themselves too seriously.  If we are just meeting for the first time, especially online, I do not care to know about your PhD,  yacht or dual citizenship (and, yes, these are all things that people have tried to use to impress me). I sincerely hope that people don’t take everything that I say seriously and, as such, there is literally nothing that turns me off more than having to hear about how serious you think you are.

Double standard: I have a career that is Glamorous! and Exciting! so I reserve the right to brag and gloat as much as I see fit.

Despite my indifference to finding “the one”, I nonetheless feel pressure to at least pretend to be looking for love. Everybody else is getting engaged, having babies and buying a home together while I’m sitting in my pajamas at 2pm eating cookies on the couch.

For now, I will continue to dink around on OkCupid. I’ll halfheartedly answer all of my Tinder messages and keep casting my rod into Plenty of Fish (get it? pun intended). Just don’t get your hopes up that you’re going to catch me with a ring on my finger anytime soon.

My mother has said for years that she doesn’t think I will ever get married. Instead, she foresees me impregnating a 20-something when I am in my 40’s and then getting stuck with a gold digger and a bastard child.

Thanks, mom!

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I Have Always Been Embarrassing, Part 2

Editor’s note: this is the second in a series of Throwback Thursday posts that revisit my hot mess blog from middle and high school. Click here for Part 1.

The very first thing that I saw when I pulled up by blog circa 2006 was this horrendous excuse for a biography:

linguisticHi! I’m Danny! I enjoy acting, blogging, jogging, dancing (kind of), Spanish, and photography. I’ve been acting/dancing/singing for nine years. I have about 25 shows on my resume, and trust me, that list will keep growing! I also take voice lessons to help further my vocal abilitiesI’ve been blogging for two years. I guess you could call me a “pro”. I also have studied Spanish for two years and I plan to study all through high school. I used to play clarinet but I quit. I get all A’s and B’s, but mostly A’s. I have a camera but I drop it and broke the zoom/select buttons so it basically sucks. All it does it take pictures. Nothing else. No deleting or changing settings. I need a new one. Yeah….that’s me. Love me or hate me, just don’t whine about it to me.

In hindsight, I was clearly oppressed when I was forced to live with a camera that couldn’t zoom in or change the settings that I didn’t know how to change anyway. I was far from being a “pro” at blogging after two years of posting passive aggressive stories about my friends, Fall Out Boy song lyrics and memes about how difficult my love life was. Also, only a 14-year-old would say “Love me or hate me, just don’t whine about it to me”.

One of my first posts in 2006 was yet another “Getting To Know Me!” survey. Highlights:selfie

  • Your Most Missed Memory: The Wix – August 2004 I couldn’t even be bothered to spell “The Wiz” right despite this being my most beloved memory.
  • Have You Been In Love: Yes. I was still in middle school so I absolutely had never been in love.
  • Ever been called a Tease: Yeah I was really slutting it up at age 14 in my cargo shorts and Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt from Kohl’s.
  • Do you belive in yourself: 95% of the time Oddly specific. I would say that I am closer to 100.00% of the time now.
  • In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Only at church This was clearly written before my unceremonious crashing down from organized religion.
  • How do you want to Die: In my sleep…..just like Rose in Titanic Ugh.

expoDuring my 8th grade year, I was invited to participate in an advanced writer’s workshop meant to hone creative writing skills. As a result, I spoke in similes and metaphors for most of the year:

one of my important realizations today was that i can’t go seeking for love, especially at scool! it will find me on its own. i mean, come on. searching for love at school is like searching for shoes that fit you in the skecher’s outlet in arundel mills! not gonna happen! i’m just gonna lay back and let things happen when they’re gonna happen.

Evidently, the Writer’s Guild failed to teach me conventions regarding capitalization, the correct spelling of “school” and rules regarding preposition usage with the verb “to seek”. I am also horrified that I was not more ashamed about wearing Skechers.

As 8th grade began winding down, I went to the mall with a big group of friends with the intent of finding outfits for our middle school graduation ceremony.

chelesaso i met chelsea at the mall at 5. we had an awesome time! we  got kicked out of some store! the nerve of some people! we were looking at mother’s day presents and the sales clerk came over and said “okay gang, time to mosey along.” wtf? someone will be getting a call from my lawyer!

It comforts me to know that I have always felt entitled to excellent customer service, even in my adolescent years. The store that we were kicked out of closed less than a year after this episode of blatant profiling so it looks like I got the last laugh!

blogspotBy the time I started high school in the fall, I was rattled by the growing trend of school shootings. My Mean World Syndrome was kicked into high gear as I walked the halls of my high school and wondered if I was going to be the next victim to a random act of violence (because those occur frequently in Howard County, Maryland):

All these school shootings (3, 4 in the past week?) have scared the 14-year-old crap out of me.  If there are psychos out there willing to attack schools in other places (Canada, Pennsylvania, etc.), whose to say that they won’t storm MY school?  Whose to say that I’m safe from this chaos? Something horrible could happen tomorrow, and I could become a statistic. My face could be on the frontpage of CNN, with a caption explaining my tragic, early demise.

It’s just like that Weather Chanel series…It could happen tomorrow!

I really wish this was a joke but I did, in fact, equate the possibility of a school shooting at my high school to a short-lived cable program about severe weather events. It seems that my Writer’s Guild training was still serving me well. I am proud to admit that I have since calmed my tits and no longer live in fear of being shot.

In November, the school system was experiencing a shortage of school bus drivers and there weren’t enough drivers to cover all of the routes each day. As a result, one bus would pick up two routes worth of students and many of us were forced to stand up in the aisles and position ourselves in other ways that were very dangerous so that we could all fit on the bus.

CNN had recently launched iReport, a crowdsourcing/citizen journalism website where viewers could submit their photos/videos/etc. of breaking news stories. I saw my opportunity to become a “respected journalist” and sprung into action, submitting my account of the school bus travesty to CNN and other news outlets with similar services.

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Nobody responded except for the local CBS affiliate here in Baltimore. Feeling down but not quite yet out, I arranged for a reporter to interview me at my bus stop after school to shed some light on a serious problem that was potentially putting people at risk. I tried my hardest to tell an engaging and captivating story to guarantee myself air time but instead buckled under pressure and was awkward. When the segment ultimately aired, the reporter neglected to even mention my name and did not credit me for my videos and photographs.

What I had envisioned as a feature story about a courageous young whistleblower was, in actuality, a mediocre local news story about kids who had to stand up on the damn bus. I missed my 15 minutes of fame BUT the school bus problem was eventually solved. I did, however, learn a very valuable lesson from the entire affair: when things aren’t going your way, go to the media.

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Nobody Cares About Your Valentine

hearts-fullFile this under “Things We Already Knew”: nobody cares about how you and your significant other will celebrate Valentine’s Day. A new study by BeNaughty.com finds that social media users would prefer not to be subjected to public fawning over your loved one this Friday.

Side note: How do I not already have a BeNaughty profile?

Couple’s selfies, corny status updates and other flagrant displays of affection irritate the hell out of the majority of us on Team Single. Instead of paying any attention to our coupled friends, over half of us Singletons will be using social media to find somebody to bring us a box of chocolate and be gone in the morning.

No, we are not bitter and insecure that we are single on Valentine’s Day. We just really don’t care. People who are perpetually in relationships seem to be under the mistaken impression that all single people mope around and complain on Valentine’s Day when, in reality, it passes just like any other day. Single people on Valentine’s Day are like Jews on Christmas. We eat the Christmas cookies and open all of your Christmas cards but otherwise we spend the day watching movies and making fun of your ugly Christmas sweaters.

I also fail to understand the idea of “Singles Awareness Day”. This is actually every day of the year that we are allowed to go out, flirt and have drinks bought for us while our less fortunate friends are stuck at home with their ball and chain (or, even worse, their children).

As for me? I will likely Instagram an unflattering photograph of myself pouring a bag of candy hearts down my face not because I am sad and depressed but because I love any excuse to eat candy and not feel bad about it.